Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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