My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
