Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
