He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
