somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I would fuck him just for his dog
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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