Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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