Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize