I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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