I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Randomize
