Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Randomize
