you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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