half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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