Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Randomize
