Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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