dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
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