Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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