You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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