Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
