Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
