He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
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