Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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