Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
