I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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