I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize