On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
