Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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