he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
too bad you live with your parents still
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
