I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Gay?
German.
Pity.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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