Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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