I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
