If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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