I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
