That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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