I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
