So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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