you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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