I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Text me some of your sweat
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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