I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
