Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
