Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
