My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
