I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
They have beer where we have blood.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
