just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
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