I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Randomize
