3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
where am i from again
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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