I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
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