on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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