just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Randomize
