barbara walters just said penis...
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
