he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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