This is not my ceiling
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Randomize
