you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Randomize
