and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
