I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize