the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
